Monday, 2 February 2015

Letting go of jealousy

Jealousy is a common emotion for most people and indeed is thought by some to be a healthy expression of love in a monogamous relationship. This is because it seems to demonstrate care, that one feels strongly enough about the lover to care whether they connect strongly with others or not. To me jealousy does not signify care but merely attachment, and all attachment is based on insecurity, never on love.

Those who identify as poly-amorous use the term compersion to express the opposite of jealousy. To experience compersion is to be full of joy when you see your lover discovering a beautiful connection with another. Isn't it incredible that in order to express this sentiment, which seems to be a far more positive way of dealing with this common scenario, a whole new word needed to be invented so late in the history of human relatedness and connection!

Some people don't experience jealousy. I'm not one of those people! For a long time I struggled with this. I wanted my lover to claim me, to create a boundary and demand that I not cross it, to show me through his jealousy of other men that he cared. On the other hand I wanted him to want me so much that no other woman would make him look twice, or if they did and he enjoyed that connection that it would be no comparison to the connection we share.   

In other words I wanted to be special, and to believe that our relationship was special.

Letting go of jealousy is about recognising that our worthiness and value as human beings does not stem from our relationships with others. It's about realising that deep connectedness need not be synonymous with attachment and that despite what the media and other fairy tales tell us, true love always means freedom: freedom to create, freedom to explore and freedom to grow as human beings.


Anonymous said...

Can you elaborate on how you find yourself feeling special in the present, and particularly your relationship being special, since you have let go of the need to be claimed and have boundaries? I am struggling with this idea personally, and currently recovering from a relationship phase that (for me) opened up "too much" - my partner connected with another on all levels like never before - and this in turn bred him to neglect me for months. We are rebuilding our foundation, but my personal view of boundaries has now recoiled and I feel that I need them to re-establish trust. I'm curious about other ways to establish feeling unique that have worked for you.

Surrender to the Infinite said...

This is a difficult question to answer... The answer may lie in your comment that you feel you were neglected by your partner. Such a statement suggests you have expectations regarding the amount and quality of time your lover spends with you. Expectations are natural, however they do tend to lead to disappointment. Important questions to ask yourself are: was your partner loving and respectful of you during the time he was exploring his relationship with the other? Was your partner honest, honouring all agreements the two of you had together? All relationships change over time and boundaries shift as we evolve, sometimes expanding, sometimes contracting. The point is not that we should abandon boundaries and agreements but that we can allow them to be fluid, if and when that feels appropriate to both parties in a relationship. Only you know when this is right for you... With regards to feeling special I try, and sometime succeed, in letting go of this need to be special. This is because I believe this need comes from the illusion of separateness and a resultant need to compare and compete with others. I'd rather be conscious of my oneness with all things, a state that makes me feel much more strong and beautiful than I ever feel when I try to feel 'special.' I hope you are your partner are growing through this experience, both individually and together, and blessings to you both.

Chelsea said...

Love this so much! Sharing this on my twitter (@Inspire_indulge) at 9am. I can totally relate!! Great post