Letting go of a lover

Letting go a of a lover is especially difficult if you’re in the habit of basing your self-worth on whether of not you’re loved by someone else. Being dependent on someone for this sort of reassurance is very disempowering, because it leads directly to what the Buddhists call craving and aversion. We crave the pleasant sensations of being with our lover and having them give us affection, compliments and love, while at the same time doing everything we can to avoid having to experience the pain of separation, rejection or abandonment. 

This kind of attachment only leads to suffering. On the one hand we become fixated on ensuring that things remain the way we feel they need to be, which is very hard work! In fact it’s impossible – how can one person control a situation that involves so many external variables, including the will and desires of another person? We will only exhaust ourselves trying… On the other hand, clinging to another person is the best way to push someone out of your life, creating the classic pursuer-distancer dynamic that is guaranteed to bring an early end to your relationship.

So how do you let go of a lover? You settle back into your centre and remember that you are a divine being in a human body, eternal and wise and beautiful. You are one with all that is and despite how things may seem nothing can ever be separate from you. You remind yourself that this person is in your life for a reason, but that this reason may not be what you think it is in your romantic mindset. Then you bless your lover and yourself, letting go of any desired outcome you have for the relationship, in the knowledge that to truly learn from each other the two of you must be free.

Then you take a bath, go for a walk or treat yourself to some creative time, giving yourself the love and appreciation that you would otherwise seek from a lover. And you allow your lover to be exactly who they are, a soul on a journey, learning and growing as they go. You give thanks that this beautiful soul is in your life, or that they have been in your life, and if you can you make sure they know how grateful you are. But you express this gratitude not so that your lover will give you something in return, but simply because you are an overflowing expression of unconditional love and because in the giving of love you yourself are nourished.

Still feeling a bit muddled about all this? Then check out the great article How to get over someone over at Confustulation blog. Or if this is a repetitive pattern for you and you really need to dig a little deeper I can personally recommend the following books on the topic:

• The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
• Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself